The sweet talker


- 11 Strength
- 13 Dexterity
- 16 Constitution
- 18 Intelligence
- 16 Wisdom
- 18 Charisma

- 13 Deception
- 11 Gather Info
- 8 Initiative
- 11 Psicraft
- 21 Persuasion
- 10 Autohypnosis

- All-temperature cloak
- Utility belt
- Lightsaber, small


How Zara Got Her Snark

A report by Billy the Bully; IOUN Persuasive Specialist, Asshole First Class, and All Around Pain in the Neck (Or head, as the case may be)

Let’s get one thing straight: Zara did NOT want to join the Star Patrol. Absolutely not. Ugh, seriously, anything but that. She’d never tell you that herself of course (There’s a lot she won’t tell you, lucky for you!), but I will. Who am I? Glad you asked. I am IOUN Component 652947, better known as Billy the Bully.

Now, you might be wondering why a prestigious IOUN Component such as myself would be interested in a weak looking person like Zara. You’re right to wonder – my usual hosts are big muscle bound idiots who could make a grown man cry with one growl and a flex of their biceps. But the problem with those guys is that, well, they’re dumb. Really dumb. As in, couldn’t-think-their-way-out-of-a-paper-bag dumb. Yeah sure they can rip out your throat and tear you limb from limb, but let’s face it, they’re not usually the best conversationalists. And also, they have this annoying tendency to get killed. You probably don’t know this, but switching hosts is a really big pain. You spend six months getting used to a brain, learning how to influence it to greatest effect when suddenly, bam! Your host gets stabbed in the face during a barroom brawl over the last slice of pizza and you find yourself sitting on the re-assignment shelf. Again. What, you don’t think that sounds so bad? Well trust me, it gets old. I thought for once it would be nice to keep the same host for longer than half a year. That’s where Zara comes in.

You see, Zara is about as far from my usual type as a person could get. She is well-mannered, graceful, intelligent and demure. She can’t really throw a punch (Actually, she nearly failed the combat training at the Star Patrol Academy, and I think the only reason she passed was that I know an IOUN who knows an IOUN whose host administers the tests – it pays to have friends in high places.), but what she lacks in muscle power she more than makes up for in brains. And she’s such a sweet talker. She could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. You’d never know it from looking at her, since she doesn’t open her mouth until she’s figured out how to get you to do exactly what she wants you to do. And by the time you catch on to her she’s already your best friend and you probably owe her your soul. It’s freaky. Freaky, but unbelievably cool.

With her proclivity for persuasion, she was a shoe-in for the Pink Berets, the diplomatic arm of the Stellar Corps (you know, that fourth division that nobody can ever remember). She passed through training at the Diplomatic Academy faster than you can say “Mindflayer” and started climbing up the ranks. She had a particular talent for defusing hostage situations, and usually managed to make the hostage taker not only release the victims unharmed, but also apologize for causing such a ruckus in the first place. She was all set to take a cushy promotion to Pink Beret General (No more paperwork ever again, huzzah!) when she got a call from the Supreme Chief Executive of the Kalashtar homeworld. A.K.A. Daddy. The one person she can’t refuse. Her father had heard whispers of resurgent Mindflayer activity decided that it would be in the Kalashtar’s interest to have a representative on the front lines in the Star Patrol. And he thought that she was just the person for the job. Zara disagreed, but unfortunately Kalashtar are known for their unswerving loyalty to their parents. So she hung up her Pink Beret and signed on to Star Patrol Academy.

Star Patrol Academy was generally a breeze for an intelligent girl like Zara (though like I already said, she sucked at the combat training). I noticed her right away and decided that she was going to be my next host. I liked the way she could get people to do what she wanted without resorting to petty threats and lowly insults. In fact, Zara rarely had a cross word for anybody. She was probably one of the most polite people ever to go through the Academy (let’s be honest here, they don’t attract the most dignified of recruits). But something happened when Zara got assigned to me. I could see in her head that she wasn’t polite because she never thought ill of anybody. She was polite because she had a filter that actually worked. Oh she thinks some rather unkind things sometimes, but she knows better than to ever utter them aloud. That’s part of the reason she made such a good diplomat (her natural charisma probably has something to do with that too). But anyway once we were paired together my, shall we say, aggressive tendencies started to rub off on her. Now, if she thinks you’re an idiot, she’s much more likely to say it. Well, not directly, but in a subtle way that makes you wonder if she really thinks you’re that moronic (The answer? She probably does.).

So she’s always been and still is a diplomat at heart. But now she’s a diplomat with a sharp tongue. And where she’s headed, she’s going to need it.


Star Patrol igoritzelf lilbellule